Shocking Headlines and Stupid People

Thursday, February 09, 2006

So, I'm standing in the IGA with my one ball of yarn in my hand. This is supposedly the Express, 6-items-or-less line, and I've already been standing there for 5 minutes, cursing out the lady two ahead of me who can't count. I know that Jason's home with Jabin, who is probably screaming his head off demanding food, but there is nothing I can do about Miss I-Can't-Read, so I start to scan headlines on the tabloid rack. Get a load of this one:

"William Catches Camilla CHEATING ON CHARLES ... and tells Dad."

Two odd things about this headline:

1. I can understand wanting to cheat on a guy that looks like Prince Charles, but who in their right mind would want to have an affair with a woman that looks like Camilla?!
2. Nowhere in this headline did the word "shocking" appear. I didn't think tabloid writers could create a headline without using this word. They've overused the word "shocking" so much, I don't think they really know what it means anymore!

Okay, make that three odd things:

3. This headline had nothing to do with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, or Jennifer Aniston. FINALLY! Someone is giving it a rest! (Can't say the same for the other 4 or 5 publications on that rack.) The ones who were rehashing the current favourite tabloid topics were obviously lacking some truly remarkable news this week. Besides an inflated episode in the Brangelina drama, there was one about how Tom and Katie really met, a totally unsubstantiated rumour about Britney being pregnant again (with a picture of her hand on her totally flat belly), and Nick and Jessica Simpson's current affairs. Oh, and lets not forget a guest appearance by O.J. Simpson!

I can't imagine working at one of these magazines and having to find new trash to print every week. What if no one is doing anything trashy? Then you have to start inventing stuff, or putting totally unsupported rumours as the headlines on the front of your magazine! I'm sure SOMEWHERE, someone NEW must be doing SOMETHING worthy of putting on the front cover! Perhaps it might even be something worthwhile, such as "Martha Stewart Now Making Handmade Cardboard Boxes For Homeless Shelters" or "Mel Gibson On A Hollywood Marriage That Works". THOSE are the headlines that would make me pick up a magazine and bring it home. (Well, maybe not the Martha Stewart one. But at least it would give me a good feeling while I'm trying not to let my angst in the Express Line overwhelm me.)

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  1. I wonder if the "writers" and photographers of those magazines get as bored as we do of seeing and writing about the same old people all the time. Here's a headline I'd like to see, "Tom Cruise finally recognizes the fact that he's crazy and checks himself into a mental institution."


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