,

I Grieve

Friday, July 03, 2009

It's been a busy week for births and deaths. And I'm not talking celebrities, only within the many and varied links of Jason's and my extended families.

As you know, last Friday Uncle Dale passed away. On that same day, my cousin Mark H. and his girlfriend had their first baby, a beautiful girl named Haley.

Then on Wednesday, my cousin Michael M. and his wife lost their anxiously-awaited first-born daughter in a still-birth.

I miss Uncle Dale. He was a decent man, but he had lived his life hard, and often said that he didn't expect to live past thirty--if he had known he was going to live this long, he would have taken better care of himself, he said. He was 55 at the beginning of June.

Contrast that with the daughter that was lost before she left the womb--fully to term, waited for, prayed for, the baby that the natural said should not have even been conceived. Yet there she was. She was here for nine months, and then she was taken home.

My heart is breaking. It is so far beyond my human understanding, and there seem to be no answers to the questions of "why?"

I lost two babies, too. They were not even two months into life, and still it hurt. And still, it hurts. I cannot imagine the pain of carrying a child past its due date, knowing it has died within you and having to endure twenty-one hours of induced labour to deliver a dead shell, the spirit withdrawn before you ever laid eyes on her.

I have been weeping for two days.

Michael, in his e-mail to inform the family, quoted the texts Job 1:21 and Psalm 139. Job 1:21 says, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Psalm 139 is rather long, but the verse that jumps to my memory for this situation is "For you created me in my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." (Verse 13) Michael and Yrang's daughter was always the Lord's. They know it, and the grace and peace they are displaying, even in their grief, is an inspiration to me.

I don't understand it. I am trying to surrender my grief to the Father, but it's still difficult.

And still, I know I must allow myself to grieve. For this new baby girl. And for the two I lost. I thought I was done with that, but maybe not...



Glory Baby
by Watermark (Christy and Nathan Nockels)

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

CHORUS

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7 comments

  1. Please know that i am praying dear friend. It's hard to revisit painful places. If I were there I'd pour you a cup of chai and hold your hand. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry to hear about your cousin's daughter. Hugs to you and strength to them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know that you know I understand you.

    Yet another thing that binds our friendship.

    So many questions. So many wishes. So many dreams.

    I tell myself that the way things are is the way they're meant to be.

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a beautiful song. I'm so so sorry, dear Tea.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much for all of your kind comments. I wish I could fully explain how much Michael and Yrang are taking this with grace. I am doing much better since I blogged about it, too.

    Loss is part of life. Learning to accept it is, too. God continues to grow me.

    Hugs to you all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. i am thankful for mothers like you who still carried your two children right to the end unlike most others.
    Theyre in heaven waiting!! and then you will have 5 kids!!!HUGS HUGS HUGS CHUMMA CHUMMA CHUMMA!! howre you doing Talented Talena?

    ReplyDelete

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